Friday, December 3, 2010


When I told Ellie, Quinn and Henry the other day that I wished they would stay this age forever, even with all the craziness, I truly meant it. I wish we could just stay right in this moment forever. I don't want to get older. I don't want them to grow up. I don't want to ever have to face letting them go.

Today we made cupcakes for Lindsay's birthday, our great babysitter. Everyone had candles in their cupcakes, and Ellie closed her eyes, then opened them, staring directly at the flickering light of the candle and repeated "I WISH I was a princess. I WISH I was a princess. I WISH I was a princess." She said it with such conviction that I could see a little disappointment on her face that she didn't immediately end up with a princess dress poofed onto her. I wish I could make magic really happen for her. I know she truly believes it can.

Chris's dad became very very sick, suddenly, on a vacation to the east coast back at the end of October. After being put in a medically induced coma for about 3 weeks, he has been brought out of it, but he is not waking up. He is very critically ill, and my heart is just so heavy. For Chris, for me, for the kids, for Janna, who I know is sitting by his side, just hoping and praying and holding on to a sliver of hope that he is going to wake up and be the husband she knows, the Papa Russ my kids love. I keep reading everyone's messages on the caringbridge website, about just needing to wait for him to get better, with the help of God.

I am not religious. I haven't found a connection with God, or any other higher power. Maybe that would give me some peace to know what is beyond our life here, but I just don't have it. I have always felt that religion is a great solution for lots of people - it answers questions which I also have, "what happens after death?" "how did we get here?", that I know so many of us wonder and may even fear, and offers a sense of community when it so easy to feel alone. But I don't truly believe anything - not in God, or Bhudda, or Allah. I guess I do have faith in believing that there is something bigger than me out there. I just need to hold onto that.

It feels like the world should stop. Even for a minute. And that he should wake up, if only to say goodbye.

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