I'm alone in our room. With dental floss. And it's heaven.
I have had very little time to myself these past few weeks, even with Chris out of a job and home with us. We've been fielding the kids on our own, which has been both fabulous and really exhausting. He's heading back to a new job on Monday. Yay! Ugh. The dichotomy of the return to work. So glad and thankful that he found a job. So freaking anxious about managing all three kids on my own.
I have been wanting to set a blogging schedule. But I can seriously barely get food on the table, or out from underneath it on a regular basis. The kids had a choice of frozen shu mai or frozen ravioli two nights in a row. Maybe it's that I miss having the time to grocery shop leisurely and cook with a glass of wine in hand. The reality is that I am usually running around our kitchen, cursing because I keep tripping over cars and princess wands and getting cracker crumbs and half eaten grapes stuck to my bare feet. It drives me CRAZY. Chris can attest, having witnessed my 10pm mini anger meltdown last night. There was just one crumb too many, AND I was watching, with both disgust and amazement, a trail of 200 ants walking from our den to our living room along a built in bookcase to get the poison we put out for them, and carrying it back through the wall to the nest that BETTER be outside. I believe I yelled (muffled because the kids were sleeping), "We live in filth!" Now that I'm slightly less clenched, it doesn't feel as overwhelming.
Anyway. I am still working on trying to be a wiser, better person. My latest bhuddist principle to think about is letting go of attachment, which should bring me more peace and calm, to not attach myself to expectations of others. Chris didn't read my mind and know I wanted him to take the kids outside? Let it go. Act with love. Henry wakes up from a nap 20 minutes after it starts? Let go of the previous attachment to the expectation of an hour and a half, and accept what it is. A friend disagrees with a parenting strategy. We are all one, and should respect and accept the other view, even if it is not my own. Just thinking of those things makes me calmer, more accepting, less angry. But it's hard to remember that in the moment. It's easy to follow these things when all is going well and I've had enough sleep. But I suppose it becomes the bigger lesson when the day feels like it is falling apart and everyone is crying. Emotions are passing states. Acknowledge them, notice them and then let them move out of our body. Anger, happiness, sadness, elation. They are all temporary feelings that come and go every day, so not to attach myself to any one state as a permanent feeling.
I have also been remembering, as Ellie, Quinn and Henry (but especially E&Q) get bigger and more independent that they are not mine, in the sense of possession. They are ours to mind, to teach, to nurture and love, but it is all so we can encourage them to the edge of the nest, to pursue being their own beings. Having said that, a particularly funny moment with Ellie:
Walking up to a t-shirt and boxer clad Chris with a tape measure in hand, Ellie announced, "I'm going to measure your peepee!", and held the tape measure up to his crotch.
I laughed and gaffawed in hysterics, and asked, "How big was it, Ellie?"
"Big and a half!"
Ah, my beautiful, quirky, sometimes whiny, but wonderful children.