Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Moments.

So I'm working on embracing the moment. I have always tried to do that, but right now I'm trying even harder. I can tell you that there were 2.5 very long hours from about 2:45-5:15 this morning that I was NOT embracing. I have one child who does not sleep. Quinn was wide awake in his crib, calling out to me every 20-30 minutes, waking me, Henry and Ellie up, wanting me to get him some new books to read. And then he didn't nap today. And it is driving me fucking crazy.

So anyway. Back to embracing the moment. I mentioned that I'm reading this book - MOMfulness, Mothering with Mindfulness, Compassion and Grace by Denise Roy - and I really connect with and recommend it. There is a section where the author quotes Herman Hesse, Siddartha:

"But today he only saw one of the river's secrets, one that gripped is soul. He saw that the water continually flowed and flowed and yet it was always there; it was always the same and yet every moment it was new. Who could understand, conceive this? He did not understand it; he was only aware of a dim suspicion, a faint memory, divine voices."

Roy goes on to talk about how her sister recognized that as her life, specifically about her children growing up, watching sets of children on the playground, year after year, just changing faces. I have thought the same thing so many times, though haven't been able to say it as succinctly as Herman Hesse.

Standing at the kitchen window tonight as I was making dinner, I watched Ellie drawing with chalk on the sidewalk, her paisley dress poofing out over her new pink kitty pajama bottoms she insisted on wearing, the early evening sunlight streaming through the Japanese maple in our front yard, making Ellie's little curls sparkle and shine, and I watched her growing minute by minute, just as I'm sure another mom stood 50 or 75 years ago, in our kitchen, watching her own children grow.

The moments are fleeting; I know this. But when I've had such little sleep, it's so hard to remember.

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