Saturday, October 3, 2009

Good enough.

I spend so much of the day thinking about how I could do things better or differently as a mother, or lamenting over what I did or didn't do to make whatever it was happen or not happen. It's so hard living in that state of perpetually not being in the moment that you're in, but rather in the state you wished you were or weren't. Does that make sense?

For example, this morning - Henry woke up about 35 minutes into his normally 1.5 hour nap. My immediate thought - 'Did I not burp him enough? I must not have burped enough. Is that why he woke up early? Now his whole day of sleeping is going to be thrown, which will make for a very sad cranky baby, which will interfere with our outing to the Greek Festival, his afternoon naps, my free time this afternoon (to make dinner), and bedtime. I should have spent more time burping him.' In that one little second, I blamed myself for something I had no control over (I burped the kid over my left shoulder, right shoulder, sitting on my lap, facing out, facing to the left side, then the right, tilted him back, sitting up again...), and automatically defined how the rest of the day was going to go, based on the fact that I screwed the morning up by not burping him enough.

That's a lot of pressure.

I have this extreme want for everything to go as planned - naps, wake up times, outings, adventures, playtime, my time - working out, meeting a friend - whatever it is, I like things to be organized and go according to plan. And the reality is that is doesn't. With three under three, it is so hard to plan anything - and I find that REALLY difficult.

I'm reading this book - I've only just started it, actually - Momfulness by Denise Roy, which is a lot about how to be in the moment, finding peace and spirituality where you are and with what you are doing.

So I am going to try to embrace that.

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